Narutochan in Wonderland
by Spook's Master
Summary: Complete. Naruto is knocked out and wakes up somewhere new. He's stuck in sexy jutsu form and none of his friends recognize him. How will he make it back to Konoha? Rated for mild swearing, underage drinking, and some perverted men. No Pairings Intended
1. How It Begins

Disclaimer: This is an adaptation of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. I do not own that story or Naruto. I have made this solely for fun and not for profit.

Author's note: I have written this whole story already. It is nine chapters long. I wanted to see what it was like to put it up slowly instead of all at once. I will be adding a chapter at least once a week.

Warnings: There are no intended pairings. Mild swearing, underage drinking, cross dressing, and reference to perverted thoughts.

Enjoy!

* * *

Naruto smiled as he looked around. All of his friends had gathered for an impromptu party to celebrate his return home after traveling with Jiraiya for over two years. They were in a clearing in the forest that had been set up with picnic tables full of food. Some of the people were at the tables while others were sitting on blankets. Of course Sasuke wasn't there; Naruto's smile went away as he wondered how his former best friend had changed over the years. Soon he would see him again when he saved Sasuke from Orochimaru's grasp. Naruto shook himself to dispel these thoughts and redirected them towards the other missing person, Gaara. He was the leader of the Sand and wouldn't be able to leave for a three day trip one way just to say hello to Naruto. Naruto hoped he was doing well.

He looked over the people who were present. Team Gai was sitting together on a blanket listening to something from Iruka. Suddenly Gai shouted "I will do five hundred laps around Konoha," to which Neji abruptly hit him. Naruto chuckled at the sight. Gai might not have changed but Neji seemed more outgoing than he once was. Neji was already a jonin, equal to Gai, but Naruto was still stuck as a genin.

He turned his attention to the next group. Shino and Kiba were talking at one of the tables. Akamaru was right next to Kiba and Naruto was still amazed at how big the dog had grown. Their third teammate, Hinata, was not nearby and he wondered were she went.

Choji was sitting at the other table eating as usual. Sakura and Ino seemed to be having a civil conversation and Naruto felt glad they had patched up their friendship. However, no sooner than he thought this when they started yelling names at each other and throwing paper plates like they were shuriken. Shikamaru was lying nearby them propped up against a tree and watching the clouds. At the commotion he rolled his eyes. Naruto could make out the "troublesome women" Shikamaru muttered.

Jiraiya came up to Naruto. "I believe you are a very good ninja. You could very well become the greatest ninja Konoha has ever seen. Besides that though I was wondering if you would be interested in taking over the Icha Icha series when I decide to retire."

"Jiraiya I'm not even old enough to buy that series, don't talk to me about writing it."

"You're no fun," Jiraiya replied and walked off. He weaved through the groups of people to were Tsunade sat on a blanket with Shizune on the other side of the clearing from Naruto. There were a few ANBU bodyguards around her even though everyone here was a ninja. Naruto assumed they were there as a standard precautionary measure. He laughed to himself as he imaged the ANBU protecting everyone from Tsunade when she got too drunk. Her fists were damn scary. Plus she had taught Sakura to have that power. Double scary. Tsunade pulled out a deck of cards as Jiraiya sat down and poured himself some sake.

Naruto's thoughts shifted to what Jiraiya said to him, or at least the first part. He didn't feel that he had gotten any better. Not only did he need to save Sasuke from Orochimaru but the Akatsuki could attack him at any moment. Doubts had plagued him ever since Jiraiya turned their path back to Konoha. Was he really strong enough to defeat everyone he needs to? Would he ever be acknowledged in Konoha as more than the demon container? Could they ever put that aside and let him become Hokage? Will he get to Sasuke in time to rescue him? Had he trained enough? Should he be training now instead of hanging out?

Naruto broke out of his reverie when he felt someone staring at him and looked toward the trees. He saw a movement but not who was behind it. Before he could dwell on the presence his eyes focused on Kakashi. Kakashi was sitting against a tree reading the Icha Icha book Naruto had convinced Jiraiya to give him. A slightly evil grin stole across Naruto's face.

"Hey Konohamaru," he called to the boy sitting nearby at a table looking a little bored without his two friends. Konohamaru came over eagerly. "I never got to show you my new sexy jutsu earlier. I thought Kakashi might appreciate the show as well," Naruto said indicating to the porn reading man.

Konohamaru's eyes got wide with excitement. "Yeah, show us."

They made their way towards Kakashi and Naruto called his name in a sexy voice. Kakashi looked up to see a large breasted, short haired blond woman in thigh high boots, leather thong, and holding a short whip. Kakashi's visible eye seemed to bulge at the sight before him. An eep was heard nearby as a fainting Hinata fell from behind a tree.

"That's very nice Naruto," Kakashi said. "But you know the best seductress is not necessarily a naked one. I think the sexiest women are the ones who have the girl-next-door look. You know they have a perfect body underneath all of those clothes and the desire to tear them off so you can see it will drive you mad."

Naruto considered this for a moment. "How about this?" He transformed into a girl that resembled the one from the very first sexy jutsu with long blond pigtails. Instead of being naked she wore a blue dress that hung around mid calf with a white apron over it and cute white shoes and socks.

"Yes, that's good. The innocent look that hides the sex demon underneath."

Hinata had woken up only to faint again so Konohamaru went to check on her. Unfortunately none of them noticed a very angry Sakura storming up behind the group.

"NARUTO," she screamed and slammed a fist into his head. Naruto blacked out while he was still saying ouch.

Naruto woke up and looked around. He noticed three things. First, he was still in the clearing. Second, he was the only one in the clearing. All the party goers as well as supplies were gone. No more tables full of food, no more laughing friends. Naruto angrily wondered why everyone left when he was injured. The third thing was definitely the worst one though.

"EH? Why am I still a girl?!" Naruto yelled when he realized he was still in the girl-next-door form. He tried releasing the jutsu but nothing happened. He still had long, blond pigtails, a blue dress, white apron, and other parts that didn't belong to him. "What the hell is going on?" he groaned.

Naruto heard a noise and looked up to see a figure rush out of the forest into the clearing. He watched it curiously as the figure bounded towards the other side of the clearing. The figure had Jiraiya's face, and Jiraiya did have long, thick, white hair, but on this figure the hair surrounded the whole body instead of being tied back in a pony tail. The figure was also surprisingly short, probably reaching Naruto's waist. Naruto had seen a jutsu where Jiraiya used his hair to shield his body, so if it wasn't for this figure's height he would have not doubted it to be Jiraiya. Naruto saw a human arm slip through all that hair as the person examined a watch.

"Oh God, I'm late! Tsunade is going to kill me, why did I stop to peek at that hot spring." Yeah, that was definitely Jiraiya.

As Jiraiya disappeared back into the forest Naruto called himself and idiot and got up to chase after him. "Jiraiya wait! Where is everyone? Why am I stuck in this form? Bring me to Tsunade so she can fix this!" He yelled as he entered the forest, hoping it would reach his teacher's ears.

Not watching where he was going, Naruto tripped on a tree root and fell. He fell right into a hole that was on the other side of the root. He tumbled down and down the hole and it got darker and darker. 'Stupid, what kind of ninja falls into a hole like that?' Naruto thought to himself. 'How deep is this hole? I wonder were it leads to and what made it? It's too steep to climb back out, I hope I can figure out how to get back once this stops.' Naruto kept going down and down in the pitch blackness.


	2. Strange Events

Naruto finally landed with a thud. He blinked at the sudden brightness that blinded him. Soon he could see he was in a room full of doors. Naruto went to the first door only to find it locked. The next one was locked as well, and the next, and the next. He quickly ran out of doors.

"Arrg! What's the point of all these doors if they can't be used?" Naruto happened to look down and he noticed a tiny door he had missed when looking at the room eye level. He went to examine this door even though there was no way he would ever fit through it. There was a tiny window in the tiny door and Naruto bent down to peak through. On the other side was the familiar sight of Konoha.

Naruto threw up his hands in frustration. "How am I going to get back when the door is only as high as my calf?" He turned his back angrily to the door and his mouth dropped open in surprise. "Wha-, this wasn't here before!" A glass table sat in the middle of the room. On top of the table sat a bottle with a dark liquid. Naruto crossed to the table and picked up the bottle. There was a label that stated 'Drink Me.'

'Well, I am thirsty,' Naruto thought and drank the sweet liquid. 'Now what?' A strange feeling coursed through his body and Naruto thought he was falling because the table was rising up above him. The sensation and movement stopped all at once and he realized he had not fallen, for he was still standing. The table loomed gigantic over him. Naruto came to the confusing conclusion that he had somehow shrunk to just about the perfect size to go through the tiny door.

"Halleluiah, back to Konoha!" Naruto said and charged for the door, which was now a considerable distance away.

Upon reaching the door he found it, strangely to his surprise, locked.

"You've got to be kidding me! I shrunk down only to still be locked out." Naruto went back to glare at the bottle that had tricked him. He noticed something new sitting next to the bottle and peered at the object. Naruto gasped when he realized what it was. "A key! There was no key up there before I swear. Why the hell did it appear now when I am too small to reach it? I should be able to use my chakra to scale the table."

Naruto tried to channel chakra into his feet but didn't get the usual tingling feeling that let him know it was working. He shrugged it off as being one of the oddities of the place and ran for the table leg. He promptly fell flat on his back. "This isn't good. I'm stuck as a girl and now I don't have any chakra? What is going on? How am I going to get that key? I need to get to Tsunade so she can tell me what's wrong and fix it."

Naruto sat up and saw a box in front of him. The box had 'Eat Me' written across the top. He lifted the top off to find a bunch of tiny chocolates inside. "Hmmm, is this gonna make me bigger or something? These are so small; I'd better eat a lot."

He shoved a handful of chocolates in his mouth and ate them in a very unladylike manner. His body jerked and he noticed he was a little taller. Shrinking had been a smooth fluid motion; growing happened in spasms. Soon he was big enough to reach the key, but his body didn't stop the growth spurts. He was ten feet tall, then fifteen feet tall. The spasms sent his arms flailing around and his hand crashed through the wall. Naruto grabbed onto the pipes inside the wall but the next jerk caused him to rip the pipes apart. Water poured out soaking him completely.

When he was about thirty feet tall his body finally seemed content. The pipes eventually stopped spewing water but not before it had pooled a good six inches around his feet. The room apparently had a slant to it because there was a dry area in front of him. The height of the room was not as great as Naruto and the ceiling caused him to bend his neck terribly. He inched his feet forward slightly so he could slide down the wall and put his head upright.

Naruto was still not very comfortable with his legs positioned towards the dry part of the floor and the door it lead to, but he felt it beat sitting down in the cold water. He stayed like that for a few minutes as he wondered what would suddenly appear to help him out of this predicament. The table had been knocked over so even if there was still liquid in the bottle he had no idea where it would be. His answer came when the door at the dry area opened and Jiraiya stepped out.

"Tsunade will forgive my lateness if I give her this sake," Jiraiya said. Then he looked at what was in front of him. Jiraiya was apparently at the perfect angle to see straight up Naruto's dress to his underwear, because he suddenly covered his nose with his hand as his eyes bulged out of his head. "Must write about giant, hot, soaking wet girls," Jiraiya stuttered before running back through the door he had just exited.

Naruto was embarrassed to say the least. "Stupid perverted sage," he muttered glaring at the door. He noticed Jiraiya had left behind the bottle of sake. "If I could get that I bet I'd shrink back down."

Naruto slid his head along the ceiling as he brought his feet back towards the wall. The room was not very wide so by the time his legs were straight his head was practically at the other wall. All he had to do was lean down a little more to pick up the bottle. Naruto uncorked it with his teeth only to be faced with the problem of how to drink when his face was pointing to the ground. He turned his head to the side and poured the burning liquid into his cheek to swallow.

The effect was immediate as Naruto suddenly found himself in the middle of the air about the same size he was after drinking the first liquid. He fell from a dizzying height into the cold water. The impact stunned Naruto causing him to slowly sink into the dark depths.


	3. How to Get Dry

Naruto kicked his way to the surface and then attempted to swim for the dry part of the room. His swimming ended up looking more like floundering as his water logged dress had become rather heavy and difficult to move in. Naruto paused for a moment to consider what to do next when he felt his hand run along a smooth object. He looked over to find an animal he had never seen before staring back at him. The animal swam gracefully around him and stopped again.

'I guess it wants to help me,' Naruto thought and grabbed onto the animal's back fin. The creature moved with surprising speed and they quickly reached the shallow water of the shore line.

Naruto jumped off and as he trudged up to the dry land he called out "Thank you. You were a lifesaver."

He was startled by a voice right next to him replying "Well, I didn't think it was right to leave you there, especially when I was going the same way."

Wait, that voice is familiar! Naruto turned around and pointed at the man. He choked out "Iruka-sensei."

Iruka looked at him curiously before replying. "Well, I guess it's easy to guess my name after you saw me as a dolphin. May I have your name miss?"

"What? It's me, Naruto."

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Naruto-chan."

"Wait, no, I'm not a -"

Naruto was cut off by another familiar voice yelling "The last one to the beach will tread water for ten minutes!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei. I will tread water for twenty minutes even if I'm the first one there," came Lee's response.

Naruto and Iruka watched the team clamor up onto the beach. Gai looked around, spotted the pair and headed to where they stood. His students followed after him. "Iruka, lovely day for a swim isn't it?" Gai asked.

"Yes, it was pleasant."

"Who is this lovely young lady? A new student or perhaps a girlfriend?" Gai inquired.

"No, no. I simply helped her out of the water. Everyone, this is Naruto-chan. Naruto-chan this is Gai, Lee, Neji, and Tenten."

Gai and Lee were radiating energy as usual, though Neji and Tenten seemed a bit miserable in their wetness. They all said hello, and a confused Naruto greeted them back. Didn't anyone recognize him?

"Oh right, who was the last one here?" Gai asked turning to his team.

Neji responded quickly with "No one, we all made it to the beach at exactly the same time."

That seemed to satisfy Gai as he nodded his head vigorously. "Ah, the power of youth. I guess we should see about getting dry then. Iruka, what do you know that's dry?"

"Well, the lecture on Konoha's history is extremely dry," Iruka said.

"Great, tell it to us," Gai requested. Everyone moved further inland and sat in a semicircle around Iruka.

"Konoha was created many years ago in the Land of Fire. We have gained much power and are considered one of the top five ninja countries. This power is owed to the great clans that settled in Konoha when it was created. The Hyuga clan is one of the oldest and has two family branches. Their excellent chakra control and unique fighting style allows them to easily dispatch opponents. The clan is still one of the most powerful in Konoha. The Uchiha clan was once extremely powerful and influential but has been almost completely wiped out. Their bloodline trait is thought to have evolved from the Hyuga clan. The Uchiha's had created a police force along with their ninja duties to protect the citizens. The Nara clan is skilled in the creation of medicines using the antlers of the deer they keep. They have strong ties to the Akimichi because of this for the Akimichi have a tendency to do everything from eating to fighting with extreme measures . . ."

Naruto was nodding off and he could hear someone snoring. Everyone was brought back when Naruto sneezed.

"Oh miss, how are you doing now?" asked Iruka.

"Still quite wet and cold, actually," Naruto replied.

"Dear me, what should we do to get dry?" Iruka asked no one in particular.

Gai jumped up. "Since learning won't work exercise will. I gave you a shot Iruka, but you showed learning is not the answer. Exercise is all you need in life. We should have a race!" A groan came from the direction of Neji and Tenten.

"Yes Gai-sensei, that's a wonderful idea. If I don't win the race I'll do one thousand leg squats," said Lee.

"Alright, start running until we're dry," Gai said and took off running. Lee ran off in the opposite direction and Iruka began to jog along the shore.

Neji and Tenten looked at each other. "What kind of race is this?" Tenten asked.

"Doing this will just make us sweaty which will keep our clothes wet. Exercise without thinking is just as bad as listening without purpose. Neither listening to a lecture nor running around in circles will dry us any faster than just standing here," Neji stated.

Gai came running back by them. "Come on you three, don't be shy miss, let's race to get dry."

Neji and Tenten got up and started to run. Naruto stood up to follow suit and realized that his wet dress had become even heavier from sand sticking to it. This caused Naruto to really look at his surroundings for the first time. He had expected to be standing on the floor of the door room, with a gigantic door looming overhead, but that was not the case. The sandy beach connected to a grass field surrounded by trees. Roughly one hundred feet ahead was a path that separated the line of trees.

Naruto decided he might as well run around too as he tried to think about what was going on. 'Where am I now? I would have sworn I was still in the room with all those doors. Is it possible that everything changed when I fell into the water? But that doesn't make sense. Then again, not much else is right now either. How do I get back to that door that leads to Konoha? More importantly, why doesn't anyone recognize me? I can understand at first since I look like a girl, but they act like they've never known anyone named Naruto. Other than Iruka transforming into a dolphin himself, Gai, Neji, Tenten, and Lee all look and act the same. Why am I the only different one? What if, when I reach Tsunade she doesn't recognize me either? How will she be able to help me if she doesn't understand what's wrong? Ah, this is so confusing; my head is starting to hurt.'

Iruka jogged up to Naruto's side and asked, "How are you doing now miss?"

"I'm still wet, but at least the exercise has warmed me up."

"Well keep running. We're bound to be dry soon."

"How do I get to Tsunade from here?"

Iruka looked at him with wide eyes. "Why would a nice, sweet young lady like yourself want to go see that hot tempered, sake drinking, gambling, ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL LEADER," he finished off looking around quickly. No one else should have been close enough to hear his transgression. "Besides, no one sees the Hokage without being summoned, and believe me, you don't want to be summoned." Iruka ran off before he could say anything else incriminating.

Naruto stopped running, disappointed by this turn of events. "This is getting me nowhere. Maybe I should see where the path goes." Naruto turned towards the path and froze. Someone was already on it.

Jiraiya was down on hands and knees looking through bushes and around trees. The way his long white hair was covering his body made him look like an animal in that position instead of an elite ninja. Plus, he was practically hopping from area to area as he searched for something.

"Jiraiya said earlier he was going to see Tsunade. I'll make him take me along," Naruto thought before rushing over to the path.


	4. Curiosity

Naruto ran up to Jiraiya who was desperately searching for something. "Oh where did it go?" he mumbled to himself.

"What are you looking for Jiraiya?"

"My sake," he replied without looking up. "Tsunade ordered me to come see her and I'm running late so I was brining my best sake to appease her, but I dropped it earlier and can't find it anywhere."

Naruto tried to not feel guilty as he told him, "You won't find it, because I drank it all earlier."

"What?!" Jiraiya turned angrily to Naruto, but when he saw who was before him the anger quickly changed to something else. "Hello, baby. You look cold all wet like that. Perhaps we should go to my place, have some more sake, and snuggle up real close to warm you up."

Naruto stood there with his mouth hanging open. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, my house is just down this path. I know exactly where to touch you to make your body feel like it's on fire."

Naruto acted on his first instinct which was to punch Jiraiya as hard as he could. To Naruto's surprise this actually knocked Jiraiya out cold. As he stood over the sprawled body Naruto let out a sigh. He felt a tiny bit guilty for now being the cause of Jiraiya's lateness, since Tsunade could have a bad temper. Besides that, he wanted Jiraiya to bring him along so Tsunade could tell him what was going on.

'Alright, I'll go to his house and get another bottle of sake. Hopefully by then he'll be awake and we can set off for Tsunade's place.' Naruto walked down the path but did not get far before a realization hit him. 'Jiraiya's my size. When we were in the room of doors he was normal size and I shrunk down much smaller than that. He should seem like a giant to me now, but instead he's the same size as me. How curious, I wonder what made him change?'

Naruto continued on and after a few bends came to a small cottage. 'I guess this is it,' he thought and walked in without knocking, happy to finally come across an unlocked door. As soon as Naruto crossed the threshold he became completely dry, right down to bouncy, shiny hair. "How strange, I wonder what caused that. Oh well, I'm dry so I'm not going to complain."

The cottage only had one room so it was easy to look around. Against the wall with the door he just entered from was a futon. At the opposite wall there was a fireplace. Smack dab in the middle of the room was a table with a bottle of sake sitting on top.

'That was easy,' thought Naruto as he went to pick up the bottle. 'I'm curious, will all drinks make me shrink and all foods make me grow? I should try an experiment.' He uncorked the bottle and brought it to his lips. He let a single drop fall onto his tongue and then waited. A minute later nothing had happened. Naruto took in a small mouthful and corked the bottle.

Just when Naruto thought there must be nothing special about this liquid he shot up a foot. "Well, that answers my question. This drink makes me grow instead of shrink." Then Naruto started growing some more. He kept growing and soon had to sit on the floor, but the growth didn't stop there. When he finally stopped sprouting his feet were on either side of the fireplace, his head was being uncomfortably pushed forward by the ceiling, and his arms blocked the windows almost completely. The table had been knocked over and the couch was digging into his back.

'Man why'd I have to act on my curiosity? I should have stopped at the first drop, stupid delayed reaction. So is some food or something going to appear so I can change back?'

Naruto's thoughts were interrupted when the door suddenly tried to open into his spine. "Hey Shino, what's going on in my house?" he heard Jiraiya yell.

After a short pause the reply came. "A young lady entered a few minutes ago and has yet to leave. However, I can report nothing further as I am not in there to know."

"I can't see in the windows," Jiraiya said with his voice coming from the side of the house. "How are we going to get in? I need to get that sake for Tsunade."

"I have and idea. Kiba, get out here!"

"What do you want?" Kiba said gruffly a short while later.

"Get the ladder so you can climb up to the roof and slide down the chimney. We need to know what's going on from the inside," Shino explained.

"What? Why do I have to do that?"

"Because Hinata is not here and you're the one with the next slender build."

"Excuse me? I know for a fact that we have the same build, though I must say your head is fatter than mine."

As they bickered about who should climb down the chimney Naruto realized that the position he was in would allow the chosen person to look right up his dress. Not wishing for the same embarrassment Jiraiya caused him earlier he did the only logical thing he could think of. Naruto removed his foot from where it was resting against the wall, carefully positioned it in front of the fireplace, and kicked with all his might. The chimney came tumbling down, along with quite a bit of dust, effectively ending any hopes of entering the house through it.

Once the dust settled and everyone finished coughing, the three men outside worked on a new plan. "If only we could see in the windows," Jiraiya stated.

"We could break them," Kiba responded.

Shortly after that a tomato came crashing through the window just above Naruto's arm and rolled to a stop by his leg. Thankfully the glass did not injure him. 'Now's my chance,' Naruto thought as he carefully picked up the delicate fruit. To him, the tomato was no bigger than a gumdrop and as soon as he was able to get it to his mouth he swallowed the whole tomato at once. The result was immediate, swift, and dramatic. Naruto found himself by the door and possibly smaller than a mouse. Since he had assumed he was about the size of a mouse when he first entered the cottage he was utterly confused about how small he would be in the room with the doors. He kicked the wall in frustration.

"I thought I saw something in there, but now it's completely empty," Shino's voice came from outside the broken window.

"Thank goodness," Jiraiya said. Soon a rush of wind came at Naruto as the door opened and Jiraiya entered. Jiraiya didn't seem to care about the state of his house as he made a beeline straight for the bottle he saw lying on the floor.

Naruto moved in front of the doorway and began to frantically wave his arms, jump up and down, and yell at the top of his tiny lungs. "Jiraiya! Jiraiya! Hey, help me! Bring me to Tsunade!"

Unfortunately Jiraiya did not notice Naruto as he exited the house. Naruto had to jump out of the way of the closing door before it smashed him. Naruto sat down of the front step and looked around at the world. He felt that it would take him half a day to simply walk back out to the path at his current size. Despair started to fill him as he wondered how to get out of this current situation.


	5. Conviction

Naruto sat on the step with his head in his hands for a while. He finally looked up when he felt a warm breeze caress his body in spurts. His eyes went wide with terror at what he saw before him. "Akamaru," he breathed.

The dog was sniffing him eagerly. "Bad dog! Go away!" Naruto yelled hopefully. Akamaru did not listen.

The big dog swiftly took Naruto up into his mouth and then trotted off. A panicked Naruto struggled to free himself from the jaws that held him securely. He was unsure which direction the dog was taking him but did realize they had entered the forest. Naruto tried to wiggle out of the dog's grasp, afraid of what was in store for him. Akamaru bit down with just enough force to hold Naruto in place. Needless to say Naruto was extremely uncomfortable and the dog's drool was causing him to get soaked once again. Naruto tried to calm himself and think of a plan as he was brought farther and farther from the people who could potentially help him get back to normal.

Finally Akamaru stopped trotting and Naruto wondered what would happen next. He felt sick when the dog began to dig a hole in the ground. He was not about to be buried like a bone without a fight. Naruto reached up to try to grab a whisker. It took a few tries before he was able to latch on to one. Naruto yanked on the whisker with all his might. Akamaru yelped which caused Naruto to drop to the ground, and then the dog ran off.

"Owww." Naruto stayed where he fell on his back as he figured out if he had broken anything. "Damn dog, that was a long fall. I think I'm okay." Naruto managed to sit upright. "The next time I see Kiba I'm going to tell him to muzzle that stupid dog."

Naruto stood up and brushed himself off. His dress was damp from dog drool, but there wasn't anything he could do about that. He looked up at the trees looming overhead like giants. Even some of the grasses and flowers were twice his size.

"Great. I'm three inches tall, in the middle of a forest, and I have no idea which way to go. I don't even know how far I am into this forest. I could be five feet in and end up walking the opposite way forever." Naruto decided to head over to the nearest tree and try to climb it. If he could just get high enough to see over these weeds he might see which way to go. The task was not an easy one; the stems pushed him back as much as he pushed forward.

"Why? Why? Why is this happening to me? Why doesn't anyone recognize me? Even Akamaru didn't recognize my sent. Am I forgettable? Did everyone wish for me to be gone? Where am I exactly? It seems like all my friends are here somewhere and they all seem to understand this world, so why don't I? When is this going on? Maybe when Sakura hit me she put me in a coma and years have passed. But that doesn't explain why I'm in a dress and have no chakra. What am I going to do if Tsunade doesn't recognize me? If she doesn't understand that I don't belong here. What will I do if she can't fix this?"

Naruto finally pushed himself out of the grass and stood between two roots of the tree. The right root had a bunch of mushrooms growing on it in a step like a pattern. Naruto could see someone sitting up on the highest mushroom. He felt like he was about to choke on the air he had just breathed in. Could it really be the Third Hokage sitting up there? Naruto scrambled up the mushrooms as fast as he could. At the top he sucked in shaky breaths as he stared at the Sandaime.

The Third was sitting on the mushroom smoking his pipe. He smiled at Naruto. "I believe you had "who" next my dear child."

"Excuse me?" Naruto looked at him confused.

"You went through why, where, when, and what, but you haven't asked who yet. As in _Who _are you?"

"I am Naruto?" he asked quietly.

"That's not right. You can't ask me who you are, only you know. Who _are_ you?"

"I, I don't know. I know who I should be, but that doesn't seem to be who I am here. No one recognizes me, no one remembers me. They all think I'm something I'm not. I'm so confused; I don't know what to think." Naruto felt so overwhelmed.

"Other people should not be the ones defining you. You are you, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. Now tell me, who are _you_?"

"I am Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage of Konoha!" Naruto yelled.

"That's it! Have conviction when you say it. If you express your desires meekly no one will respond. You must have courage and faith in yourself if you expect others to put theirs in you," the Third Hokage said.

"Do you recognize me?" Naruto asked, afraid of the answer.

"If you are asking whether I remember ever meeting you before this moment then no, I do not. But I know who you are now and in the future I would recognize you as the one who makes me feel like I can reach my impossible dreams when you express yours with conviction. I'm afraid my time with you is drawing to a close now, so I will let you in on a "how." One side will make you grow larger, and one side will make you grow shorter."

"One side of what?"

"Of the mushroom." The Third faded away in front of Naruto after that.

Naruto shivered; the person he had been speaking to had been dead for years now. He wondered if what he saw was a ghost or a figment of his imagination. He pushed that thought aside and looked at the mushroom. It was basically a half circle sticking off the side of the tree root. "I wish he was more specific on what side meant. The left side and the right side don't seem any different from each other, so I don't think they would affect me differently. However, there is a top and a bottom which could also be considered sides. I bet that's it."

Naruto dug his fingers into the mushroom and ripped off as big of a piece as he could. The piece was nearly half his size and heavy so he had to drag it to the edge of the mushroom. He jumped down to the next mushroom and tugged his piece down to him. Then Naruto reached under the mushroom and tore off a big chunk from there. He set the pieces next to each other and looked at them. The one from the top was lighter in color and smooth whereas the bottom piece was darker and wrinkly.

"Okay, so which is which?" Naruto asked himself. "I think the bottom one will make me shrink and the top one will make me grow. I'd better do a test first though." Naruto broke off a crumb from the bottom piece and popped it in his mouth. It tasted bitter but he chewed and swallowed it anyhow. Sure enough he soon found himself to be half an inch shorter. Naruto took a mouthful of the lighter mushroom and grabbed on to the pieces. His assent was quick and he compared himself to the rest of the forest. Feeling just a tad too large he ate a sliver from the dark piece.

"There, that seems about right. I'd better hang on to these, I may need them again." The pieces that now fit snuggly into the palm of his hands were placed into his apron pocket. Naruto realized that he was dry again and wondered how that worked. Food and drink will change his size but what force instantly dries his clothes? He shrugged it off as one of the many mysteries of this place and looked around once again. Happily he spotted the edge of the forest and headed for it.


	6. Friends?

Naruto left the trees behind and entered a large field with a house situated roughly center in it. The house was not the one Jiraiya had claimed and he wondered where he had ended up now. Naruto also wondered who would be waiting for him there. As he stood at the edge of the forest looking at the house he noticed a figure sit up from the ground. That person stretched and slowly stood up. Naruto was just close enough to recognize that person as Shikamaru.

Then Naruto realized why Shikamaru had gotten up, for someone else was walking up to the house. Naruto's eyes went wide; he would recognize that figure from any distance. "Sasuke," he whispered. Before another moment could pass Naruto started running towards them as fast as possible. Sasuke was unchanged from when he left Konoha but Naruto didn't give himself time to think about that. As Shikamaru and Sasuke met their voices drifted to Naruto.

"A message from the Hokage to her pupil to come see her," Sasuke said.

"A message for the pupil of the Hokage to come see her," Shikamaru responded.

"No, a message from the Hokage to her pupil to come see her," Sasuke restated.

"That's what I said. A message for the pupil of the Hokage to come see her," Shikamaru retorted.

Sasuke sighed, "good enough."

Naruto had reached them now but didn't stop running. He went to tackle Sasuke but touched nothing but air. Naruto somersaulted a short distance. He would have sworn he heard "dope" whispered on the wind. Naruto let out a frustrated cry, "Sasuke!"

Naruto sat where he was for a few minutes trying to figure out what happened. "It wasn't really Sasuke there. It was just my memory of him, like the Third. If it was really Sasuke he wouldn't still be the same as he was three years ago. He'd be taller, have more muscles, different clothes. This place is just taunting me with the images of people I've known."

Naruto got up and dusted himself off. He went over to where Shikamaru was laying next to the door. Inside he could hear yells, crashes, and bangs. "What's going on in there?" he asked Shikamaru.

"Just the normal stuff."

"And that would be?"

"Couldn't tell you. I stay outside watching the clouds."

"I see," Naruto said and knocked on the door. There was no response so he tried again.

"That won't do you any good," Shikamaru told him.

"Why?"

"Because I'm out here, so there's no one inside to open the door for you."

"But I hear people in there. It sounds like Ino and Sakura yelling at each other."

"Yes, but they're too wrapped up in each other to notice a knock on the door."

At that moment something crashed and broke against the other side of the door. "I thought they were friends?"

"They are; this is how they express it. Women are so troublesome."

"So are you going to let me in?"

"Why? You're already at the door, just do it yourself."

Naruto resisted the urge to yell at Shikamaru for being lazy. He found that the door was not locked and let himself in. Sakura's back was to the door and she was facing Ino. They each had a stack of plates next to them and judging from the floor they were throwing those plates at each other.

"Forehead girl!" Ino threw a plate.

Sakura ducked and grabbed her own plate. "Ino-pig!"

Naruto could hear crying from somewhere and decided to cautiously see what was going on. He moved into the middle of the room. "Uh, hey, what's the matter?"

Four eyes suddenly drilled into him. "Not that it's any of your business, but we are trying to determine who is prettier. Perhaps you can be the tie-breaker, Shikamaru refuses."

The eyes burned death into him and Naruto frantically searched for a way to avoid pissing off either woman. It was then he saw where the crying was coming from. Sakura held a baby in one arm. "You, you have a child?!"

"What?" Sakura looked down. "Oh, we found him wandering in the woods and decided to bring him home." She turned to Ino. "I'm getting tired, would you take him for a while now?"

"Of course, take a minute to relax before you go see Tsunade." Ino and Sakura began giggling as they exchanged the baby. "You know, I think you're just as pretty as me."

"Thank you, I agree. I wonder what I would look like with blond hair." Sakura replied.

"We can try it out later if you want."

They smiled at one another and Naruto was suddenly very grateful to not actually be a girl. They were crazy. He couldn't wait to get back to normal.

"I need to get going, I'll see you later," Sakura said.

The baby Ino was holding had never stopped crying. She paced around the room cooing at him but the crying just got worse. Ino paused in front of Naruto. "Here, why don't you hold him for a while?" she said and placed the baby in a flustered Naruto's arms.

Naruto couldn't remember ever being around a baby before let alone try to sooth one. He looked down at the infant and was shocked by who he saw. "What? Why is Choji a baby?"

He heard the door shut and Ino said "maybe you should take him back to the forest. He doesn't seem to like being here with us."

Naruto had to resist the desire to say "gee, I wonder why." He thought it very odd that a baby would be alright in the forest. He went to question this and noticed Sakura was gone; that had been why he heard the door a moment ago. Naruto rushed to the door and yanked it open but Sakura was not in sight. "Damn, she could have taken me to see Tsunade," Naruto grumbled. Ino wasn't paying any attention to him so he left.

Shikamaru averted his eyes from the clouds to Naruto. "You're taking it back to the forest?"

"I guess so. Isn't that bad?"

"No, you'll see. You don't seem as troublesome as most other women for some reason." With that Shikamaru focused back on the clouds.

"Thank you, I think," Naruto replied. He assumed that might be the closest he got to anyone knowing he was really a guy. He saw a path in the forest and headed for it. As Naruto entered the forest baby Choji's cries changed into grunting noises. Naruto was startled when he looked down and saw he was holding a small pig.

"Huh? I would have thought you'd become a butterfly and Ino would change into a pig." Choji started squirming. "Strange, I guess it's because you eat like a pig. Well, here you go, dig up some nice roots." Naruto shook his head as he set Choji down. "For a place that makes no sense, this place really makes no sense." He continued down the path.


	7. Some Things Never Change

Naruto walked until he reached a fork in the path. He walked back and forth studying the two directions. "Hm, which way? There's no sign."

"That would depend on where you want to go next," a voice said.

Naruto spun around but no one was there. He scanned the trees and eventually came across a most unusual sight. In the tree situated between the forked paths was what he could only describe as a grin hovering above a low branch.

"And if I don't know where I want to go next?" Naruto cautiously directed towards the grin.

"Well then, it doesn't matter which direction you choose, does it?" the grin replied showing off sharp teeth. Above the grin two red eyes appeared.

Naruto felt that by now he shouldn't have found it strange to be speaking with a floating mouth, but none the less he thought his own eyes would pop out at the sight of the red eyes appearing out of nowhere.

"I would like to go to Konoha," he said.

"That is good; either path will lead you there." A fox's body with bright red fur and nine tails suddenly formed around the toothy grin and eyes.

"Ky-Kyuubi!" Naruto's right hand instantly placed itself over his stomach. 'That's what felt missing. I have no chakra, not even Kyuubi's chakra. I guess it would make sense that if he's not inside me he would be out here.'

"Interesting. The child knows my name," Kyuubi said interrupting Naruto's thoughts.

Naruto regarded Kyuubi for a moment. "I guess you're just like a cat here."

Kyuubi's eyes narrowed. "If you're going to insult me that must mean you don't need my help." The fox vanished.

"No, no. I'm sorry, please come back."

The eyes reappeared.

"It's just, I'm use to seeing you so much bigger, and radiating evil power. I was startled when I saw you," Naruto tried to explain.

The fox's head returned to view. "Do not do it again. I am a fox, not one of those vile creatures that sold their dignity to be pampered." He paused briefly. "So you seek Konoha?"

"Yes, could you tell me what is different between the paths?"

"They are exactly the same length. However the one on the left will allow you to reach Konoha faster than the one on the right."

"If they are the same length why does one take longer to travel than the other?" Naruto asked.

"If you head down the path to the right you will come across something that will make you stop."

"I see. Well, I'm in a hurry so I guess it'll be the left path. Thank you."

Kyuubi's head disappeared once more and Naruto started walking down the path. He was barely five steps in when everything seemed to change around him. The trees shifted casting dark shadows over the path. The air was cold and oppressive. Dread pressed itself against Naruto like the chill wind that was coming from the path. He backed up until he was at the fork again.

"Kyuubi," Naruto called.

"Yes?" The fox reformed fully onto the branch.

Naruto looked at him. "What did you do to the path?"

Kyuubi cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean?"

The words died in Naruto's throat when he looked back at the path. It was back to the way it had looked when he first arrived. The dark, foreboding path was gone. "What?" Naruto said when he found his voice. He looked back at Kyuubi. "You did something. It changed to a dark oppressing place."

"Look kit, I just live here. I'm not the one who controls this place. Something must be telling you to go down the right path instead."

Naruto nodded at the fox, realizing he couldn't do more than just accept the events that take place in this world. "So what is it that I'm going to see that will make me stop?"

"A scarecrow being visited by a leaf and being watched by a sun," Kyuubi said before fading away again.

"A scarecrow?" Naruto asked himself. He broke into a smile. "Kakashi! Will he really be a scarecrow though? And who are the other two with him?"

Naruto set off down the right hand path. He breathed a sigh of relief when the path stayed the same. Naruto sped up, anxious to see what he would come across next. It was not long before the trees on the left side turned into a low fence along the path. The trees cleared way and a small house sat back a ways from the trail. The fence did not surround the property; it only stood against the path. In front of the house a table was set up with six chairs around it. Kakashi sat in one and next to him was Konohamaru.

'Kakashi looks the same as always. Even here he's wearing that stupid mask. The leaf must refer to Konohamaru,' Naruto thought. He reached a gate in the fence and entered. "Kakashi, Konohamaru!"

They looked up from the table. Kakashi nearly jumped out of his seat. "No room, no room. Go somewhere else."

Taken aback Naruto had paused with one foot still in the air. After a brief moment he continued forward. "What do you mean? There are four empty chairs." Naruto reached the table and sat down across from Kakashi. Looking around he saw there was an open book at each seat. Next he realized that it was Kakashi's infamous orange book that was open at each seat. Lastly, he realized that a very red faced Konohamaru was glancing between Naruto and the book that lay open before him. Naruto pointed at Konohamaru but looked at Kakashi. "You're letting him read porn?!"

Kakashi slumped back into his seat. "This is why I said there was no room. Women will never understand the art in these books."

Naruto tried not to boil over with rage. He knew, as a man and having traveled with the writer, that art had very little to do with those kinds of books. "It's not that you two are looking at _porn_, it's that he's not old enough. Those books are for adults, and Konohamaru is only twelve."

"I'm not letting him look at anything graphic. We're studying pick up lines and their effectiveness on women," Kakashi replied. "Who are you by the way?"

"Naruto," he said with a sigh.

Konohamaru looked up from his book. "Only angles could have named someone as beautiful as you."

Naruto felt a little sick. "Do. Not. Do. That. Again."

They sat in silence for a while and Naruto wondered who the other person was. 'Whose name means sun? Sun, sun, sun. I think sun is involved in Hyuga. I already saw Neji. Hinata! That's it!' Naruto looked around the property but did not see her. "Hinata," he called loudly.

To the right a movement could be detected at the same time an "Eeek" was heard. Hinata came into view from behind a tree as she fainted.

'Well, she seems completely the same,' Naruto thought.

Kakashi broke the silence surrounding the three at the table. "Time to change, everyone up. Move, move, time for a new book."

Naruto was confused but did as he was told. He found himself across from his earlier seat. Now Konohamaru was across the table from Naruto and Kakashi was next to him. "What was that for?" Naruto asked.

"No need to look at the same page all day, especially when there's so many options available," Kakashi replied indicating the books.

"But couldn't you look at one book all the way through before moving to the next?" Naruto countered.

"Well, I suppose, but that doesn't seem very exciting."

"Kakashi changes the pages of the ones I've looked at while I read something new," Konohamaru said.

"So he's really not letting you look at any of the dirty stuff?" Naruto asked.

"Nope. I'm just trying to figure out which pick up lines work the best."

"You know, those books were written by a man, so the insight on the real reactions women would have is extremely limited."

"Oh. Well, it's fun anyhow," Konohamaru said.

Naruto felt as if someone was watching him. He turned his head to look at were Hinata lay but she was no longer on the ground. Glancing at the trees their eyes locked for a moment. With another "Eeep" Hinata fainted again.

'That can't be good for her health. I wonder what she's doing over here instead of being with Shino and Kiba.' Naruto got up from the table and went over to her. He shook her gently until she woke back up.

"He-hello, I'm Hinata. It's, it's nice to meet you. Um, I ah, overheard your name earlier Naruto-chan," Hinata said with a frighten look.

"Hello. I was wondering what you were doing here."

"I wanted to look at one of those books. I wanted to see what kind of women men want to be with so I can try to be like that. But I can't while those two are there, it's too embarrassing. You just went right up and sat down though. It was amazing." Hinata was looking at him like he was the greatest thing she had ever seen.

"Hinata, those books are nothing but porn. If you want to know how to have sex with a guy fine, but those books will never tell you how to build a relationship of love. If you have to change yourself for someone then they're not good enough for you. Now tell me, do you want to read about people screwing each other over and over?"

Hinata's eyes were wide with shock. She barely had enough time to shake her head before fainting once more. 'Good. Hopefully when she comes around again she'll leave here. I wonder who she wants to impress.'

"I'm tired of this seat, time to move," Kakashi said to Konohamaru, his voice drifting to Naruto's ears. "Fresh book, fresh page, move down, move down." They both moved one seat to their left.

'Well, with Hinata sleeping away and those two caught up in their crazy book reading get together, I guess I should move on. Kyuubi said that the path would take me to Konoha.' Naruto left Hinata and walked back to the gate. He waved goodbye to Kakashi and Konohamaru, but they seemed to have forgotten all about him. Naruto shut the gate behind him and continued down the path.


	8. Not Everything is What it Seems

Yay, I finally have a review! As a reward here's the next chapter. I really like writing Kyuubi's part. If you wonder how Kyuubi knows Naruto isn't from here, it's because I imagine he's been observing Naruto the whole time Naruto's been in the forest and is smart enough to figure that out.

* * *

Naruto walked for a long time. He was getting impatient at how long it was taking him to reach the end of the path and Konoha. He turned around a bend and found a very large tree in the middle of the path. Or at least that was how it looked since the trail went straight up to the trunk. However, upon walking around the tree Naruto did not find the path continuing in any direction. Frustration and anger built up inside him. "Kyuubi!"

"Yesss?"

Looking up at a branch to his right two eyes and a toothy grin appeared. "You said this path would bring me to Konoha."

"And so it has." The head and tails formed, though the body remained invisible.

"How so? This is a dead end."

"Dead end? I admit the path did not bring you directly to Konoha, but this is no dead end."

"Then would you mind telling me where to go from here?" Naruto addressed him.

"In that door would be a good start."

"What door? I'll I see is this huge ass tree."

"Foolish kit, haven't you realized that this world is not the same as the one you are from? Tell me, what is a door made out of?" The fox asked him.

"Wood, usually. Your point?"

"And what, prey tell, is a tree made of?"

"Uh, wood," Naruto answered uncertainly.

"So if a door is made from wood and a tree is also wood, then it follows that a door and a tree are the same thing."

This made Naruto's head spin. He nodded it weakly.

"Good," Kyuubi said and disappeared.

Naruto studied the tree before him. There was a rather large knob sticking out on the left side. It looked like a branch that had been cut off while it was growing. On the other hand, it was about the same size as a doorknob. Naruto grabbed hold of the knob and gave a slight push. To his amazement the tree responded and creaked open. Pushing the door the rest of the way Naruto gulped at what was before him. Instead of the trunk of the tree Naruto was looking in on the room of doors he had first landed in all that time ago.

"I don't get it, but I'm not about to question it." Naruto walked out of the forest and into the room. He closed the trunk door behind him. The room looked like it had when he first arrived. There was no water on the floor, no broken wall, and the glass table was sitting upright in the middle of the room.

"This time I'll do it right," he said walking over to the table. A gold key about the length of his fingernail sat on the tabletop. Naruto picked up the key and held onto it tightly. He dug around in his pockets and pulled out a chunk of the underside piece of the mushroom. He nibbled on the mushroom and dropped to about half of his previous size. He did this two more times before feeling satisfied he was the right size for the door.

Naruto took off running for the door that would surely bring him back to Konoha. 'Damn, I should have shrunk myself closer to the door,' he thought minutes later when he was only halfway there. Finally he made it and put the key in the lock. Turning the key Naruto heard a satisfying click. He opened the door and stepped out into the streets of Konoha.

Naruto closed the door behind him to what appeared on the outside as an ordinary building. 'I wonder how such a big room can fit in this building.' Putting that though away as just one of the mysteries of the place Naruto started for Hokage Tower. He felt an eeriness about this Konoha but he couldn't place what was causing the feeling. Then he realized there was absolutely no one around. No shopkeepers, no parents and children, no ninjas, it was like a ghost town.

'Man, I hope Tsunade's around somewhere. Jiraiya and Sakura are supposed to be meeting with her. Where is everyone?' Naruto turned down a street and saw three figures ahead of him. They seemed to be huddling around something. Naruto ran to them, glad that he was no longer alone and wondering who they would be.

As Naruto got closer he saw that the three figures wore masks. 'ANBU, but I thought there were always animal faces on the masks.' Indeed the masks were unusual. There were numbers and the same corresponding amount of images, kind of like a clover, on the masks. Each one had a different number and it made Naruto think of the club suit in a deck of cards. As he got closer he could hear the conversation between the three people.

"Oh, this is terrible, absolutely terrible," the one with Two on his mask said.

"She's going to beat us for sure," the one whose back was to Naruto said.

"Us?" said Five. "This is your fault Seven. This was your part of the city to watch over."

"Do you really think that will matter to her? All three of us were on duty so all three of us will be punished," Seven replied.

"Only if she sees it," Two stated. "If we can pull them all down before she comes through here we won't have anything to worry about."

Naruto reached them. "Excuse me, but what is going on?"

The three ANBU members turned to look at Naruto. They were silent for a moment as if surprised to find someone had snuck up on them. Finally Two spoke up. "Well miss, a horrible poster has been put up around here disgracing Hokage-sama." He held up the poster they had been looking at.

Naruto tried not to laugh. "Granny Tsunade is showing her granny side." The picture showed a wrinkled, gray-haired Tsunade asleep at her desk.

"Yes, and she'll go into a terrible rage if she sees this. I'm sure she'll beat us to within an inch of our lives," Five said.

"I'll help you take them down," Naruto offered.

"Oh thank you miss," Two said. He pointed at the other ANBU members. "You two work this street while we go check the next one." Naruto and the ANBU member cut through an alleyway to get to the next street over. Once there they scoured the buildings for more posters.

"So, where is Tsunade?" Naruto asked.

"She's out in the forest training her student Sakura. We expect them back soon, so we must hurry," Two replied.

They worked for about ten minutes, each one finding two posters, when a noise made their blood run cold. There was a loud, angry yell followed by a bang, then the crashing of a collapsing building. Naruto and the ANBU member rushed back to the other two. The four stood there helplessly as they stared at the debris and dust falling on the other side of the street.

As the dust settled Naruto saw a very angry Tsunade. Sakura and Shizune stood on either side of her. Behind Shizune was Jiraiya. Surrounding the back was a whole group of ANBU members. Like the ones Naruto was with all the masks looked like cards instead of animals. It seemed that the entire suit of hearts was escorting Tsunade.

When Tsunade spotted the three club ANBU members it was unfortunately unclear as to whether they were putting the posters up or taking them down. Although Tsunade was probably to mad to really care either way. "What is the meaning of this?" she bellowed.

"Ho…hokage-sama," Five started.

"You dare disgrace your lord?" she asked as she and everyone else moved closer.

"No, Hokage-sama. We are not the ones who put up the posters," Two said.

"You are still responsible, you allowed this to happen," Tsunade replied. "Prepare to be executed."

"No," Naruto said loudly.

Noticing Naruto for the first time Tsunade peered at him. "Excuse me?"

"You are more responsible. The poster would not exist if you had not gotten yourself into that state. You are the one who allowed it to happen," Naruto said confidently.

Tsunade turned to Shizune. "Who is that girl?"

"I don't know. I think we should show her respect though, she might be a daughter of one of the lords who support us," Shizune replied.

"Hun." Tsunade turned back to Naruto. "What is your name girl?"

He felt the sting of disappointment that Tsunade didn't recognize him either. "I'm Naruto, and don't you forget it!"

"Very well, Na-Ru-To. Perhaps you are the one who created these posters in an attempt to make me disgraced so you can take over. I will offer you one chance to prove the innocence of yourself and your accomplices," Tsunade said looking pointedly at the three club ANBU. "I challenge you to Cho-Han Bakuchi. If you win I will forgive whatever part of this horrible incident you had a hand in. However, Naruto-chan, should you lose all four of you will be immediately executed."

"Bring it on," Naruto said without hesitation.

"Good," Tsunade said with a smirk. She turned to the ANBU group escorting her. "Ace."

The ANBU guard with and "A" and a single heart on his mask approached her. "Hai, Hokage-sama."

"Bring the executioner," Tsunade said to him and he immediately took off. Looking back to Naruto she addressed him. "I never loose little girl. Follow me." Tsunade, Shizune, Sakura, and Jiraiya headed for the Hokage tower while the heart ANBU guards stayed back to keep an eye on Naruto's group.

Naruto faltered briefly. 'Is it true, could this be the world where Tsunade wins at gambling? Even if it is I will prevail.'

"Naruto-chan, what are you thinking?" Two asked him.

"Hokage-sama never looses," Five informed him.

"This is suicide," Seven said.

"We were going to be executed before, so what's the difference? At least now there is a possibility of getting off," Naruto said.

"But you didn't have to get yourself involved with this, you could have just gone back home," Two said.

"I'm trying to speak with Tsunade so that I can go back home. She's the only one that might be able to help me. Besides, I don't know the meaning of the words lose or quit. This won't be the first time I win a seemingly impossible bet against her." Naruto followed after Tsunade.


	9. Home Again

The large group made their way into the Hokage's office where Tsunade dismissed the heart ANBU members. As they were leaving the one she had sent to get the executioner arrived.

"Hokage-sama, he will arrive momentarily," Ace told Tsunade.

"Good, you are dismissed for now."

As the Ace of Hearts left the room he froze briefly before slightly bowing his head and continuing on his way. Naruto thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head when he saw who came through the door. Gaara came sauntering in, but instead of the gourd of sand he carried a gigantic hammer. The hammer head was pressed against his back where the gourd normally would be and the handle rested on his shoulder. Gaara had his arm thrown over the handle to balance and hold it in place.

"This better be worth it Tsunade. I was just about to fall asleep," Gaara said.

"Don't worry, this girl expects to save herself and those three clubs by beating me in gambling," Tsunade replied.

If Gaara had eyebrows at least one of them would be raised. "How many games?"

"That's the beauty of it! Only one."

"This will be over to fast," Gaara sighed.

During this exchange Tsunade and Jiraiya brought out a large flat board from a closet and positioned it in the center of the room. Naruto sat down on the right side and the three ANBU members sat down just behind him. Tsunade retrieved a cup and two dice from her desk before sitting across from Naruto. Shizune, Jiraiya, and Sakura sat down behind her. Gaara remained standing by the door.

Tsunade handed the cup and dice to Naruto. "Here, make sure you are satisfied these aren't trick dice."

Naruto was not sure of what to look for since his experience with dice was very limited. As far as he could tell they weighed the same. He scratched at the dots to make sure they were firmly embedded. Lastly he tossed them a few times to make sure they didn't land on the same number each time. Naruto ran his fingers over the cup but it seemed solid and smooth. He handed everything back to Tsunade.

"The rules are simple," Tsunade said. "I shake the dice in the cup and then place the cup upside down on the floor. You guess if the addition of the numbers facing up on the dice is cho (even) or han (odd). As soon as you guess wrong Gaara will turn you all into pancakes. Understand?"

"You're forgetting about what happens when I win," Naruto replied.

"Fine, not that you will win. Then I would agree that your group is indeed innocent of all responsibility of this incident and would send you back to whatever you were doing."

"Understand. Begin," Naruto said.

Tsunade tossed the dice into the cup and placed her hand over the top. She shook the cup for about five seconds before quickly inverting it onto the board. "Choose."

"Cho," Naruto said confidently.

Tsunade whipped the cup off of the dice and the room went silent. Everyone could clearly see that the dice read five and three, even Gaara. They were all holding their breath waiting for Tsunade to respond.

Tsunade's left eye twitched as she stared down angrily at the dice. At least one minute went by before she looked up at Naruto. "You cheated. I never loose. You must have switched the dice."

"But Tsunade," Shizune cut in, "you had the dice last. You would have noticed."

Naruto grinned triumphantly and the three club ANBU let out their breath in an auditable sigh of relief. Jiraiya began to chuckle while Sakura and Gaara both seemed bored.

Tsunade looked like she was about to protest again when the Jack of Hearts ANBU member quickly entered the room and went over to her. He whispered something in her ear causing her eyes to narrow dangerously. "Are you positive?" she asked.

"Yes Hokage-sama, all the equipment was in his city house still," the ANBU member replied.

If Tsunade had seemed angry before she was now downright furious. She stood up and everyone did the same. Tsunade turned to Jiraiya, "you dared to make those posters of me?!"

Jiraiya grinned at her. "I couldn't resist showing everyone that you really are over fifty just like me."

Tsunade cracked her knuckles. "Killing you with my own hands is going to be so pleasurable."

Jiraiya started running for the back of the room and Tsunade took off after him. She chased him around the desk, through the groups of people, back around the desk, and so on. The pounding of their feet was loud whenever they crossed the board in contrast to the quiet of the carpet covering the rest of the floor. The chase went on for a good five minutes. Gaara stayed in front of the door so Jiraiya couldn't use that as an escape.

Suddenly Jiraiya stopped and turned to face Tsunade. Luckily her reflexes were fast and she was able to stop before crashing into him. Tsunade drew her fist back and let it fly with as much force as possible. Just before it hit Jiraiya he grabbed the nearest person to him to use as a shield. That person turned out to be Naruto who slipped into unconsciousness before he could even realize what happened.

Naruto woke but didn't bother opening his eyes, afraid of seeing where he was now. He could tell that he was laying on something soft and cushiony. Naruto felt pressure on his head and slowly brought his hand up to feel it. The rough texture of bandages met his fingers.

"Hey he's awake! Everyone come in here, he's woken up!" Sakura yelled.

What sounded like a stamped rushed towards Naruto and surrounded him. He could feel the eyes staring at him. Tentatively he opened his eyes. All of his friends were standing around him and to his joy they all looked normal; no ridiculous hair or animal features. Best of all he realized that he was no longer in female form. They had brought him to the hospital and they all seemed to be waiting for him to say he was alright. As Naruto looked over his friends he thought about his strange experience and found meaning in them.

Top right was Iruka and Gai with Lee, Tenten, and Neji behind them. 'Training your brain versus training your muscles: both are equally important. You can know everything you need to, techniques, strategies, but if you don't have the strength and stamina to back it up you'll never win a fight. Likewise, even the strongest person in the world will lose to someone that outwits them in planning moves. I need to focus on both to succeed.'

Next Naruto saw Shino, Kiba, and Hinata. Akamaru must not have been allowed in. 'Solo missions are rare, so learning to work with your teammates in just as important as training your mind and body. You must be able to trust them and obey commands. You should learn to trust yourself also. If you believe you are not good enough you will only be a hindrance to your team. I will not be facing these battles alone. I will support and be supported by all of Konoha. Together we will overcome these enemies.'

This made Naruto think of his encounter with the Third. 'We all get shaken once in a while and may even need help to remember our goals. That's why we need friends, not just teammates.' Naruto thought as he looked at Ino, Sakura, Choji, and Shikamaru at the foot of his bed. 'Every once in a while we need to relax and just have fun; otherwise the stress of our duties would kill us. Spending time at the party instead of training did not waste my day.'

Next Naruto saw Kakashi and Konohamaru. 'If you have time a thorough study of your opponent will help you succeed. However, that information might not always be reliable and a general knowledge won't necessarily be helpful in specific cases. Being able to quickly analyze your opponent may be the best skill to have.'

Tsunade and Shizune followed. 'Analyze the situation before jumping to conclusions. Rash judgments can lead to innocent people being hurt. Weaknesses are easily exploited to turn a situation in the other's favor. Learning to stay calm is one of the most important things I need to do. I often rush headlong into a fight which stops me from being able to plan my moves.'

Naruto looked at Jiraiya on his left side. Without thinking about it he suddenly slapped Jiraiya hard. Some of the people gasped, but everyone seemed shocked. "He deserved it, I swear," Naruto said.

That seemed to break the trance everyone was in. "Naruto, I'm so sorry," Sakura cried. "I didn't mean to hit you so hard."

"You've been unconscious for over an hour," Tsunade told him. "I need to do a check up on you now. Do you know who you are?"

Naruto flashed a brilliant smile. "Naruto Uzumaki, the future greatest Hokage ever! I had the craziest dream, and all of you were there. It started out with me waking up alone in the woods and I was a girl. I followed Jiraiya who had his hair all around his body and fell down a hole."

Naruto shared his dream with his friends. The end of his party may have been in the hospital but he felt much better about everything than he had in the beginning.

* * *

The End, hope you enjoyed reading it. This chapter is really why I said no pairings intended in the summary. Shizune's part is that of the king, but I'm not trying to say she and Tsunade are in a relationship. 

I started this story way back in the summer at the request of my boyfriend who has a slight obsession with Alice in Wonderland. I was about halfway through when I realized I could tie everything together by making Naruto learn a lesson. Did you catch the foreshadowing in chapter 1?

This was the longest story I have ever completed. I'm easily distracted and really had to force myself to sit down and work on this towards the end instead of one of my other ideas. I have something in mind for an AU Peter Pan, but I don't really expect to do it.

If you didn't catch who's playing who, here is the character list. Thanks for reading.

Naruto- Alice, Jiraiya- White Rabbit, Iruka- Field Mouse, Gai- Dodo, Neji, Tenten, Lee- Various Animals

Shino- Pat, Kiba- Bill the Lizard, Akamaru- Dog, Third Hokage- Caterpillar, Sasuke- Fish Footman

Shikamaru- Frog Footman, Sakura- Dutchess, Ino- Cook, Choji- Baby/Pig, Kyuubi- Cheshire Cat

Kakashi- Mad Hatter, Konohamaru- March Hare, Hinata- Doormouse, ANBU- Cards

Tsunade- Queen of Hearts, Shizune- King, Garaa- Executioner


End file.
